What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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