Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
