My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
