I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
