The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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