I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
