I faked an abortion last night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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