My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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