My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
