Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
