I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
