bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Randomize
