Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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