my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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