I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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