So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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