I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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