dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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