Jerry, you need to find god
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
