Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
