According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
