I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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