i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
