Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
