dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
