I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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