We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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