He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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