the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
