mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
