I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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