I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
