oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
