respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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