The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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