you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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