She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
