sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
