i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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