If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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