nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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