there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
