i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
