i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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