i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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