I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
