i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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