he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
