The maid of honor just puked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
