Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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