You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Boobs are out for the taking
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
