I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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