You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
