i think my mom watched the whole time
no, he came in my armpit
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize