if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
