He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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