you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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