I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
