youre lurking in front of me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
