The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
