Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
