just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
