i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i drank out of a bidet.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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